13 Narcissistic Manipulation Tactics You Need to Know
Manipulative relationships are abusive and incredibly damaging. It can even be the most traumatic experience a person will ever have. More often than not, victims of this type of abuse are blind to the manipulation. They rarely suspect that the people who should love them the most use psychological control tactics. Instead of providing happiness and bolstering success, these loved ones become obstacles to achievement.
So, how are we supposed to cope with these kinds of relationships? The hard truth is that changing a narcissist’s behaviour is almost impossible. Usually, the best option is to walk away. But when that person is a parent, relative, spouse, or another significant figure to you, it makes having a narcissist in your life even more difficult.
When you can identify their manipulation tactics, you enable yourself to respond positively, outsmart them, and protect yourself from harm.
Here are 13 strategies that narcissists use to manipulate you.
Enmeshment
Narcissists have no trouble crossing boundaries, and this disregard can evolve into a form of manipulation. Enmeshment is a term that refers to relationships where personal boundaries are unclear. Without respect for another person’s individuality and specific needs, manipulators will say or do whatever they want — toward you, in front of you, or behind your back.
Protesting or calling on morality won’t make a difference. Sometimes, this process is covert — and damage increases over time until it’s too late. Enmeshment deters you from speaking up about your emotions, getting support from others, and establishing healthy boundaries. It makes it difficult to effect positive changes — for yourself and those you care about.
Deflection, Diversion, And Evasion
Narcissists use this tactic to get out of answering direct questions and avoid being caught in lies. They may deflect, by transferring the conversation onto you; divert, by steering the topic toward something else; or evade, by responding with something unrelated, vague, or meaningless.
The narcissist’s goal is to confuse and redirect attention. This way, they don’t have to take responsibility for their behaviour.
Amplification
Narcissists like to amplify failure and push success aside when it comes to their relationships. You’ll see your achievements go unnoticed and uncelebrated, while your shortcomings and mistakes are highlighted with painful detail.
The end goal is to belittle you so that the narcissist can assume the centre of attention. When you’re drained of energy and full of doubt, finding success will be more challenging.
Emotional Barriers
Narcissists will use your emotions against you. When you feel upset about something they’ve done, instead of focusing on their behaviour, they rather focus on your negative emotions. They’ll demean you when you object to their poor treatment, and they might even attack you for your positive emotions.
This manipulation tactic will cause you to suppress your emotions over time. It allows the narcissist to escape blame and maintain control.
Shaming
Most manipulators know that they can turn the pain of shame into a weapon. That’s why they love humiliation. Frequent insults that highlight disgust, contempt, or disappointment are favourites within their arsenal, and they prefer to pull them out in front of an audience.
The goal is to produce feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy, which subdue you into submission. If you fall prey to this tactic, you may become trapped in a vicious cycle of negative thought patterns and feelings.
Infantilize
This is another common manipulation tactic. Narcissists will disregard your emotional or psychological maturity by emphasizing your lack of knowledge or experience in life.
By reducing you to a child’s status in both your mind and theirs, they lower your rank in the social hierarchy and strip you of your ability to make decisions. This allows the manipulator to retain full control.
Rationalization
When a narcissist can’t evade their behavior, they will rationalize it. Their justifications and excuses are often full of false reasons or fraudulent perspectives. Even though these rationalizations are full of lies, others will often believe them and see their side as understandable or even acceptable — especially when these lies are spread behind your back.
The manipulator will likely change their story based on who they’re talking to, as well. The end goal is to escape ridicule. The narcissist wants you off their case so they can pursue their behavior with entitlement. They want you to feel dumb, inexperienced, or like you just don’t understand them.
Triangulation
If you become the victim of triangulation, the manipulator will purposely fail to communicate with you, while turning other members of your group against you. This form of bullying can take many forms, depending on the situation, but it almost always includes gaslighting or some covert element that pits you against others.
You might not even be fully aware of what’s going on. The goal is to divide and conquer. Once you’re isolated from your support system, the manipulator can assume control.
Double-Blind
A narcissist tends to think in terms of a double-blind. This mindset is that you’re damned if you do, and you’re damned if you don’t. No matter what choices you make in life, someone who uses this manipulation tactic will always claim that you made the wrong choice.
You can recognize this tactic by condescending phrases like, “Well, if you had done this differently, I would’ve helped you… but forget about it now.” If you’re the victim of the double-blind, you’ll begin to doubt both your judgment and intuition. This weakens you emotionally and psychologically — which is what the manipulator wants.
Covert Aggressive Abuse
Narcissists love to disguise their abuse. They will frame insults as helpful advice, useful lessons, or potential solutions. You might be led to believe that the manipulator sincerely wants to help you.
The “advice” may be followed by criticism or disappointment — from the narcissist themselves or their henchmen who believe you’re inferior. This manipulation tactic is meant to belittle and demean. The narcissist can control you while covering up their toxic tracks.
Set Up for Failure
Narcissists enjoy seeing their victims in stressful situations, and they derive pleasure from orchestrating these circumstances. That’s why they set up their victims for absolute failure. Then, that failure is used to discredit and blame the object of their manipulation.
This manipulation tactic is often done covertly through sabotage, or by undermining an achievable objective. Narcissists may be projecting their internal feelings of inadequacy onto their victims when they do this.
Vilification
This tactic will make you appear defensive while redirecting blame away from the narcissist. This happens when the manipulator falsely accuses you of being the abuser as a response to you addressing their behavior or your needs and boundaries.
You might recognize this as gaslighting. In the end, you will question your position and your emotions. The goal of vilification is to build your self-resentment and guilt — putting you in the wrong before you realize what’s really going on.
Playing the Victim
Even though narcissists make victims of others, they love playing the victim. They will excuse their behaviour or garner attention by claiming their suffering is the result of circumstance or another person.
You can recognize this tactic when they say they “had no other option,” or if they complain all the time. They might also say that the person they are manipulating is actually the one manipulating them.
Narcissists do this because they want to get pity, sympathy, or compassion from others. It helps them escape blame while gaining support from more unsuspecting victims. Overall, a narcissist’s goal is to control.
These manipulation tactics degrade victims’ sense of autonomy, erode identity, and diminish social standing. Once weakened, the manipulator can easily dominate their victims. Although these behaviours signal antisocial traits that indicate personality disorders, almost everyone displays some of these behaviours at one time or another.
The key to recognizing an unhealthy relationship with a manipulative person is identifying patterns. Because many of these tactics are covert, it may take years to see the insidious abuse patterns — especially if you have a history of abuse or are an overly forgiving person.
However, when you know these strategies and can name them, it will be more difficult for a narcissist to use them on you.
